Living

I want to live each day to the fullest, laugh every day & love like I have never lost. These were my words when I began this blog. Wishes really and the hopes I had about the future. Getting past the pain and living again were difficult tasks for me. I was lost. I was stuck in the darkest tunnel. Laughing was not something that came naturally anymore. Loving was something my heart couldn't take.

WHAT IF? What if I lost again? What if I never felt real human emotions? What if I lived life without ever being myself & admitting I was different now? The questions about life & love were endless narrowing pathways leading me deeper into the darkness. And although I desperately needed the answers, for the longest time I wasn't willing to face them. Living was an option, at least truly living. I lied to people. I lied to myself. I was either looking back or trying to look forward too far. Nothing in my tormented mind had to do with Today.

Darkness & emptiness surrounded me the night I made my final plea. "Dear God there has got to be more to life than this. I give up." The prayer that would change me forever. The prayer that would really prepare me to let go and let God. I was living a lie. People called me strong, but I wasn't. I put up a wall. A wall I thought would never come down. But in the depths of soul splitting despair. I found a little glimpse of hope. Hope I never thought possible. Imagination would not prepare someone for the door about ready to be opened.

Breathing Deeper

Speechless has a whole new meaning today.
From falling for someone to turning grey.
The tears fall willingly from my eyes.
My heart is open and there are no more lies.

Underneath the layers that make up me.
Was a person inside that wanted to be free.
No more trying to be someone I'm not.
For this moment is why I fought.

There was never a time where I let go.
Afraid of falling deeper.. even further below.
Rock bottom and looking for something.
I stumbled in the darkness wondering.

Wanting to be pulled out of my sorrow.
To give me purpose for tomorrow.
It was a long time before I found hope.
Imagine my surprise to find a rope.

I always wondered if light was at the end.
Now I know what it means to mend.
Regrets I will have no more.
At least not like I had before.

Enjoying every moment I am gifted.
From the deepest of depths I was lifted.
Breathing deeper with each new day.
Maybe there is a reason to pray.

Still Alive

When all hope is gone & you surrender your need to control everything. You find yourself.....

I have given up and given in a thousand times. I know when I lost my second daughter "My Plan" for life was derailed. I couldn't think about the future anymore. I couldn't truly be happy for other people because my focus was solely on myself. Reading book after book didn't help. Although I wanted to believe the words to be true for me, my heart wasn't ready to accept it. I knew I had to believe it was possible to heal before I could ever begin trying. Hope became a foreign word and Faith was just my daughter Emma's middle name.

Brokenness led me down a dark and dangerous path. I tried to numb the pain, hide from it and pretend it wasn't there. At my worst drinking became an everyday thing and along with it more bad decisions and more heartache. Those decisions have forever changed me, but not in the way you would think. I know now who I am more than ever before. I know what I don't want and also what I DO want. Most of all I know what I need and need to give.

Looking back I am sure I had other options, but the hard road turned out to be the road I found myself on. Someone wise once told me "it is not the number of times you fall down, but whether you pick yourself back up again." I have picked myself back up and with the support of a few close people to me.... I am Still Alive.

My heart is full today. Does it still hurt? Yes, but I can smile through the tears. Laugh despite the pain. Love a whole new way. I am alive. And for a change I want to live.