The day that is before us

In recent days past I have been living each day as it comes.
Not worrying about tomorrow, not thinking of yesterday.
The day that is before us is all that we have.
We may set goals and plan for tomorrow.
But what is really in front of us? Is it certain?
In my experiences the answer is usually no.
Unexpected things enter our daily lives.
We can choose our reaction to the bad things.
Cherish the good things.
Happiness despite circumstances.
Do we turn our backs and focus on "our" goals??
Or do we open our arms and extend relationship.
Sometimes we need that friend ourselves.
If we turn our backs when we are needed most.
Who will be there to pick us up when we fall?
The answer is them, they who never give up on us.
The ones who stand in the gap when we need a bridge.
The ones we turned our backs on & mocked.
People who understand we all make mistakes.
Our family & friends who hope we will turn around.
The very ones we thought we didn't need.
Turn out to be the people we needed all along.
That warm embrace of an old friend.
Finding new love and enjoying every second of it.
The touch of your son when he knows your sad.
Your dad calling for a ride from you for a change.
Mom still caring a little too much about what you do.
Grandma baking just in case someone stops by.
Memories of loved ones from the past.
Kids saying The Pledge in a Kindergarten class.
Siblings calling to lend a helping hand.
Strangers extending their hearts to someone in need.
Good people in life it is what we all need.
To protect what is sacred.
Relationships & The day that is before us.

Living

I want to live each day to the fullest, laugh every day & love like I have never lost. These were my words when I began this blog. Wishes really and the hopes I had about the future. Getting past the pain and living again were difficult tasks for me. I was lost. I was stuck in the darkest tunnel. Laughing was not something that came naturally anymore. Loving was something my heart couldn't take.

WHAT IF? What if I lost again? What if I never felt real human emotions? What if I lived life without ever being myself & admitting I was different now? The questions about life & love were endless narrowing pathways leading me deeper into the darkness. And although I desperately needed the answers, for the longest time I wasn't willing to face them. Living was an option, at least truly living. I lied to people. I lied to myself. I was either looking back or trying to look forward too far. Nothing in my tormented mind had to do with Today.

Darkness & emptiness surrounded me the night I made my final plea. "Dear God there has got to be more to life than this. I give up." The prayer that would change me forever. The prayer that would really prepare me to let go and let God. I was living a lie. People called me strong, but I wasn't. I put up a wall. A wall I thought would never come down. But in the depths of soul splitting despair. I found a little glimpse of hope. Hope I never thought possible. Imagination would not prepare someone for the door about ready to be opened.

Breathing Deeper

Speechless has a whole new meaning today.
From falling for someone to turning grey.
The tears fall willingly from my eyes.
My heart is open and there are no more lies.

Underneath the layers that make up me.
Was a person inside that wanted to be free.
No more trying to be someone I'm not.
For this moment is why I fought.

There was never a time where I let go.
Afraid of falling deeper.. even further below.
Rock bottom and looking for something.
I stumbled in the darkness wondering.

Wanting to be pulled out of my sorrow.
To give me purpose for tomorrow.
It was a long time before I found hope.
Imagine my surprise to find a rope.

I always wondered if light was at the end.
Now I know what it means to mend.
Regrets I will have no more.
At least not like I had before.

Enjoying every moment I am gifted.
From the deepest of depths I was lifted.
Breathing deeper with each new day.
Maybe there is a reason to pray.

Still Alive

When all hope is gone & you surrender your need to control everything. You find yourself.....

I have given up and given in a thousand times. I know when I lost my second daughter "My Plan" for life was derailed. I couldn't think about the future anymore. I couldn't truly be happy for other people because my focus was solely on myself. Reading book after book didn't help. Although I wanted to believe the words to be true for me, my heart wasn't ready to accept it. I knew I had to believe it was possible to heal before I could ever begin trying. Hope became a foreign word and Faith was just my daughter Emma's middle name.

Brokenness led me down a dark and dangerous path. I tried to numb the pain, hide from it and pretend it wasn't there. At my worst drinking became an everyday thing and along with it more bad decisions and more heartache. Those decisions have forever changed me, but not in the way you would think. I know now who I am more than ever before. I know what I don't want and also what I DO want. Most of all I know what I need and need to give.

Looking back I am sure I had other options, but the hard road turned out to be the road I found myself on. Someone wise once told me "it is not the number of times you fall down, but whether you pick yourself back up again." I have picked myself back up and with the support of a few close people to me.... I am Still Alive.

My heart is full today. Does it still hurt? Yes, but I can smile through the tears. Laugh despite the pain. Love a whole new way. I am alive. And for a change I want to live.

Never Prepared

As the days get darker,
So does my heart.
From feeling all alone
To falling apart.

The Holidays bring about in
Me a bittersweet feeling.
The excitement all around
Can be so appealing.

How I would love to have
No concerns or bad memories.
To just sit back and be
Carefree in the festivities.

More often than not I
ruin a perfectly good dinner.
All because it seems the
Air I breathe is much thinner.

When the table is set for
The people who "are" there.
I can't help but wonder;
Which daughter would occupy which chair.

So as I mentally prepare
For the Holidays ahead.
I continue to try to delete
The mental delusions from my head.

Alone and afraid of
How I will make a mistake.
Sometimes I wonder if
I just shouldn't partake.

Thankful for a lot in my life
Of course I am.
But How do I forget
My Halle & Emma?

Forget I can not, but I
Will keep on trying.
Trying to make it through
A Holiday without crying.

Grief is a journey of which no one can prepare. And if you have never been on it please don't pretend "You've been there."

~by Amanda Marie Mitchell

Releasing

Beginning today I am releasing my fears and all of my doubt.
I am going to take one day at a time with or without.
Rising above the storm and hoping to make it out alive.
Working on restoring my faith before I take a dive.

Alone and hopeless I have felt way too many days and nights.
Like someone stuck me in a hole and turned off the lights.
No room to breathe and no room to be myself at all.
It isn't surprising that I would eventually fall.

Hiding from the pain seems at times to be the way.
But most the time the nightmares find me in the day.
Death is not so easy to forget about and overcome.
Knowing the door has been shut and you aren't welcome.

Being a person who is not afraid to die anymore.
I still often wonder what we are here for?
I hope I can make a difference in the next few years.
Then at least I will know the meaning of the tears.

Life After Death

Life after death, has new meaning to me. I'm not talking about where our spirits go after we die, but about how we go about living life after we bury our loved ones. As most of you know the last couple of years have been very challenging for me. I buried two daughters within 8 months of each other, and thought life could not go on quite the same again. While this is partially true, I have realized that life does go on after death.

In the beginning of my grief I felt paralyzed. Like someone should have to pick me up just to get out of bed. I felt panic at the smallest of challenges. Panic attacks came at least twice a day. In the grocery store, at work, even with family and especially when someone asked how my daughters were. It felt like the days were weeks and weeks were months. Besides having Cameron, there was no joy, no hope and no excitement left for life. Despair and grief almlost gave me comfort. I felt there was no way I could love my girls and not hurt constantly. Luckily that has changed some.