Living

I want to live each day to the fullest, laugh every day & love like I have never lost. These were my words when I began this blog. Wishes really and the hopes I had about the future. Getting past the pain and living again were difficult tasks for me. I was lost. I was stuck in the darkest tunnel. Laughing was not something that came naturally anymore. Loving was something my heart couldn't take.

WHAT IF? What if I lost again? What if I never felt real human emotions? What if I lived life without ever being myself & admitting I was different now? The questions about life & love were endless narrowing pathways leading me deeper into the darkness. And although I desperately needed the answers, for the longest time I wasn't willing to face them. Living was an option, at least truly living. I lied to people. I lied to myself. I was either looking back or trying to look forward too far. Nothing in my tormented mind had to do with Today.

Darkness & emptiness surrounded me the night I made my final plea. "Dear God there has got to be more to life than this. I give up." The prayer that would change me forever. The prayer that would really prepare me to let go and let God. I was living a lie. People called me strong, but I wasn't. I put up a wall. A wall I thought would never come down. But in the depths of soul splitting despair. I found a little glimpse of hope. Hope I never thought possible. Imagination would not prepare someone for the door about ready to be opened.